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Guerrilla Tactics For The Audiophile Home
From Sound Practices Issue 1, Summer 1992

  The first time you find him in the kitchen wearing your frilly apron and baking a newly spray-painted amp chassis in the oven you think it's kind of cute. You keep an open mind despite the fumes and try to sympathize with his need for a hammered metal look finish. Then on a dark night you stub your toes on that same chassis lying in the middle of the living room floor and you think, Not so cute.

Might as well face the truth. For every audiophile in the world, there's an afflicted spouse, housemate or friend. And, sooner or later, we all must learn the guerrilla tactics necessary for survival in the audiophile home.

Be Quick on the Offensive
Your favorite sewing scissors have once again mysteriously disappeared. You must confront him immediately. And remember, please, none of this wimpy you-wouldn't-happen-to-have-seen-my-scissors-anywhere type stuff.

She: "I want my sewing scissors back now." Place hands on hips and sigh deeply.

He: "What sewing scissors!" (puzzled look)

She: "Those sewing scissors." Point in general direction of work bench.

He: "Oh, those scissors. You know what those are great for?" (sheepish grin)

Never mind. Grab those scissors and head for the door

Never Call A Part By Its Name
You find yourself staring at an amazing jumble of audio parts piled up in the middle of your bed. You see capacitors, resistors, vacuum tubes and scary looking surgical stuff. You want the mess off the bed, but now remember, never refer to audio parts as anything but "parts". Forget the fact that you've tried to learn their individual names. When the time comes to put your hard-earned knowledge to use, you will invariably get them wrong.

She: "What's that transformer doing in the bathroom sink!"

He: (with a superior smile) "That's not a transformer, that's a high-voltage 6B7 for my 12K9."

Keep 'em on their Toes
It's Saturday night and the two of you are enjoying a quiet evening at home. You've got your slippers on and the tubes are glowing warmly on the latest amp. After weeks of tinkering and tweaking, the new amp is finally being inaugurated. Your man is now sitting in the exact center of the couch, eyes closed in concentration. He turns his head slightly to the left, listens, jumps up and adjusts a knob. This goes on for a while. Eventually, the fine tuning subsides and a peaceful expression comes over your spouse's face.

This is your moment.

She: "What's that humming sound!"

He: "Huh? What humming? You hear a hum?"

She: "Well, I'm not sure, but just then when I walked past that speaker I thought I might have heard something like a hum."

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