A call for more scientific truth in product labels.
(by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky)
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the
recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent
placing of warnings on products that present hazards
to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well intentioned,
merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in
this important area. This is especially true in light of the
findings of the 20th century.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible
scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new
laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of
suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every
product offered for sale in the United States of America.
Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its
vicinity.
CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy
equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product
contains minute electrically charged particles moving
at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per
hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty
Principle", it is impossible for the consumer to find out at
the same time both precisely where this product is and
how fast it is moving.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero
chance that, through a process known as "Tunnelling",
this product will spontaneously disappear from its present
location and reappear at any random place in the universe,
including your neighbour's domicile. The manufacturer
will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience
that may result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According
to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory,
the primary particles constituting this product may decay
to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely
event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in
any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of
this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the
amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is
implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process
will ultimately lead to the Heat Death of the universe.
NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product
are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is
currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore
not be permanently guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product
contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that,
in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999%
empty space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The
manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that
this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is
reminded that this confers no legal rights above and
beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects,
since the seven new dimensions are "rolled-up" into such
a small area that they cannot be detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest
that when the consumer is not directly observing this
product, it may cease to exist or will enter only in a vague
and undetermined state.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic
particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product
are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those
used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to
the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting
this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is
dependent on its velocity relative to the user.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire
physical universe, including this product, may one day
collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should
another subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this
product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
