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Consumer Warning Page


      A call for more scientific truth in product labels. 
 (by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky)
 
      As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the 
 recent trend  towards legislation that requires the prominent 
 placing of warnings on  products that present hazards 
 to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary 
 thought that such warnings, however well intentioned, 
 merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in
 this important area. This is especially true in light of the 
 findings of the 20th century.
 
      We are therefore proposing that, as responsible 
 scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new 
 laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of 
 suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every 
 product offered for sale in the United States of America. 
 Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
 
      WARNING: This product warps space and time in its
 vicinity.
 
      CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy 
 equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
 
      HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product 
 contains minute electrically charged particles moving 
 at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per
 hour.
 
      CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty 
 Principle", it is impossible for the consumer to find out at 
 the same time both precisely where this product is and 
 how fast it is moving.
 
      ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero 
 chance that, through a process known as "Tunnelling", 
 this product will spontaneously disappear from its present 
 location and reappear at any random place in the universe, 
 including your neighbour's domicile. The manufacturer 
 will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience 
 that may result.
 
      READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According 
 to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, 
 the primary particles constituting this product may decay 
 to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
 
      THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely 
 event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in 
 any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
 
      PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of 
 this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the 
 amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is 
 implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process 
 will ultimately lead to the Heat Death of the universe.
 
      NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product 
 are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is 
 currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore 
 not be permanently guaranteed.
 
      ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product 
 contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, 
 in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% 
 empty space.
 
      NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The 
 manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that 
 this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is 
 reminded that this confers no legal rights above and 
 beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, 
 since the seven new dimensions are "rolled-up" into such 
 a small area that they cannot be detected.
 
     PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest 
 that when the consumer is not directly observing this 
 product, it may cease to exist or will enter only in a vague 
 and undetermined state.
 
      COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic 
 particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product
 are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those
 used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to
 the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
 
      HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting 
 this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is
 dependent on its velocity relative to the user.
 
      IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire 
 physical universe, including this product, may one day 
 collapse back into an infinitesimally small space.  Should 
 another subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this 
 product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
 

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